This one's a doozy - don't say I didn't warn you!

This is a doozy of a story so I hope you're ready. This may be a little bit too much information but that's just how I roll. I just lay it all out there. I'm an open book, what you see is what you get, keeping it real...you get my drift, right?

So this is how the story goes...I roll in to the gym this morning at o'dark hundred and get started on the treadmill (good God the dreaded treadmill). Well, I get about 1/2 way through the workout and I start feeling like crap, stomach cramps, my legs are like cement blocks trying to sprint but I have to stop every two minutes because I just can't go. Let me back up a sec, I've been feeling a little pms-y for a few days -- just gross and irritated and everyone bugs me. Plus, yesterday, I was so hungry I was ready to eat the ass off of a dead rhinoceros but instead I had 6 cheeto puffs. I haven't had one bad thing to eat since I started this whole biggest loser contest and I can't believe I blew it yesterday. Not once, have I had even a morsel of something I wasn't supposed to have - I mean nada, nothing, zilch. And then yesterday in a frenzy of hunger I see my two little hell-yuns eating some cheeto puffs and I tell you it looked like the best thing I'd ever seen. Now, you're probably thinking - it was only 6 little puffs what's the big deal? The big deal is that for people like me once I slip up -that's it -it feels like I've sabotaged the whole thing and that's the way all-business Brenda made me feel this morning. Like, I was the scum of the earth for eathing those puffs. She gave me the "this is a once in a lifetime opprtunity speech and you're getting $5000 of free training..." All the things I already know and am ready to smack myself across the face...and why you might be thinking why would I tell all-business Brenda about my slip-up because I'm an open book, telling it like it is, keeping it real that's why. I've got to go burn off some cheeto puffs - that's what I need to do - keep on fightin' this fat. Keep reading for the doozy story --it's coming up. Sorry I got off on a little tangent there but it is part of the story.

So as I was saying, I made it through half of the workout when all of a sudden I have got to go to the bathroom. Brenda hates it when I take a bathroom break (which is why she told me to get some adult diapers.) But I never did get those adult diapers -did she really think I was? So, I come out of the bathroom and quietly walk up to Brenda and say, "Um, I just started my period." (Secretly, I was hoping she would say oh, go on home and take care of your business.) But no, instead, she announces to the entire gym (ok, so there were only like 6 other people in the room but still 2 of them were men) "Oh, ok, do you need a tampon?" Me: "yes, Mrs. Brenda, that would be great." Brenda: "Allright, hold on, I got to go out to my car." She comes back in with this tiny, little ob tampon about the size of my pinkie (maybe even my pinkie toe) So, I said, "what the hell kind of tampon is this? This must be what the teenagers are using so they can be discreet when they don't want everyone and their brother to know they've started their period. But, I have a wide-set vagina and the only tampon that can help me is one that is the size of a submarine torpedo missile." She says, it's the high tech-kind -pull out the little thing but don't pull it out too far or you'll ruin the whole thing. You want me to come in there and demonstrate how it's done?" "Um, no thanks - I think I can handle it. But I don't think this is going to do one thing for me and my wide-set vagina." She says, "well then just line your panties with some paper towels and let's get movin." Meanwhile, the other 6 people in the gym are laughing hysterically at the two of us. After, I finish the rest of my workout and was getting ready to leave, I apologized to everyone for having to know ALL my business. These are just a few of the things I have to deal with while fighting the fat. See, I told you it was a doozy.